Why You Shouldn't Keep Up with the Kardashians featuring Coco Nelson
Episode Notes
Coco Nelson is a Trauma Therapist & Somatic Healer. She is the founder of The Evolved Therapist and the movement into transformational therapeutic experiences. Coco is passionate about changing the process of healing and being “the other option.” Disrupting the traditional therapy model and redesigning the healing process with more emphasis on in person experiential transformation & modalities that use the body to heal the mind. By transitioning into the healing field Coco has been able to teach, speak and lead others using her podcast, creating masterclasses, self led healing courses, retreats, and healing groups that support you in the moment versus just in one hour every week.
Whether it's through her “What's the missing link: how your shadow is secretly controlling your life” quiz which can transform the way you look at your most frustrating behaviors or whether it’s leading an international retreat with a group of women here to connect, heal and finally release; Coco is shifting the way we heal.
Topics:
1. Our innate need for connection, tribal times , now and post pandemic.
2. Fitting in versus belonging
3. Comparison
4. Toxic Friendships
5. Why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians
6. Raising the next generation
Holly Shannon's new Youtube Channel, Subscribe here!
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Transcript
Holly Shannon 0:00
Coffee Culture is brewed for connection under the guise of coffee. We've been meeting in cafes for centuries. Today is no different. Coffee Culture, the podcast explores the meetup. If you are a coffee enthusiast, maybe seeking Modern Love on a coffee date, we'll want some health hacks. We'll dig into that too. I'm Holly Shannon. Come wrap your hands around a hot cup of connection with me on coffee culture. Hello, coffee culture family. I'm very excited as I'm rounding off season five that I got the cocoa Nelson here with me today. Hello, cocoa. How are you?
Coco Nelson 0:42
Hello, I'm doing wonderful. So happy to be here.
Holly Shannon 0:45
And I have dropped her name a couple of times in some other interviews that I've had because she is actually my therapist. And she is helping me on a number of interesting journeys I'm going through. And so she's here to help you today we have some deep conversations around connection, which is what the show is about. But let me do a proper introduction so that you can all hear how amazing she is. So Coco Nelson is a trauma therapist and somatic healer. She's the founder of the evolved therapist and the movement into transformational therapeutic experiences. Coco was passionate about changing the process of healing and being the other option, disrupting the traditional therapy model and redesigning the healing process with more emphasis on in person experiential transformation. And modalities that use the body to heal the mind. Coco is doing some very interesting things if you follow her podcast, let the rest burn. She walks you through a lot of archetypes that have been talked about in the past by I think it was Coco correct me, Carolyn,
Coco Nelson 2:03
Carolyn, miss. And then Carl Jung, Carl Jung.
Holly Shannon 2:07
So it's it's an interesting process with a lot of history and background. So she has evolved, but at the same time, she's sharing some historical references that help us all heal properly and understand our archetypes and our shadow archetypes and all that. So, Coco, have I left anything out here? Besides, I mean, you do a lot of retreats, as well. Is there anything you'd like to share with with everybody that I haven't said about your marvelousness? This?
Coco Nelson 2:36
I mean, that was a wonderful introduction. I would say that, you know, as I'm evolving from traditional, the traditional therapeutic model, which is what I did for 15 years, I really want to make therapy and healing accessible and affordable, and work for everyone. Right? Everybody has a different way a different path of finding growth in healing. And so I think when it is so rigidly focused on talk therapy, or on one particular modality is this is the way that you get better. I think it restricts a lot of people from getting help and resources. So I'm really passionate about doing masterclasses and doing workshops and putting things out there for free, and are low cost for those all around the world who just really need some of these tools and resources. I'm really big into community for that reason. So that's part of the reason why I show up on socials, part of the reason why I do my podcast, I really do just want people to have this information. And then on a more like deeper, intrinsic level, when I'm working with someone one on one, I'm really passionate about using the body to heal the mind. Mindset work is incredible. But it just doesn't take you all the way home. And being able to clear out your nervous system and be able to integrate what you know into your body can feel like everything you've learned over all of these decades of your life finally lands. And that is what I'm really passionate about is helping people actually feel different, not just think different.
Holly Shannon 4:13
And you do a modality called EMDR therapy. Do you want to share with us about a little bit because I think that's what you're talking about, right?
Coco Nelson 4:21
Yes, yeah, there's a few different ones. And I'll, I'll kind of go through the letters and let you know what they are. So EMDR is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It was developed by Francine Shapiro, who is a Canadian, and she has a really cool story if you want to look it up on how she discovered EMDR it's kind of fascinating, but it is one of the top therapeutic treatment modalities in the world for trauma. And a lot of people like oh, I don't have trauma, so I don't need EMDR. Well, we all have trauma in the way that those of us in the field are defining it which is our body's response. to a perceived threat, which every one of us have, has experienced. So what happens is it kind of like updates your nervous system, instead of running off of this past model that's being triggered by things that are no longer a threat to your survival, it updates you into the present moment. So you can actually adapt to the current situation in your life, and assess for a valid threat or not. So this is as simple as you know, you know, maybe an experience you had in sixth grade or fifth grade, kind of informing the present moment and making you react in a way that doesn't necessarily match what's happening in front of you. So EMDR, very scientifically, it uses bilateral stimulation. So that can be eye movements, looking back and forth, auditory sounds back and forth in your ears, or tactile, where you hold these buzzes and they buzz back and forth. And through targeting specific memories or experiences in your body, you're able to bring it up into the frontal cortex part of your brain, the thinking part of your brain, release the sensation, the feeling part of the memory, and store the information. So now you can remember it or recall it without the associated feeling taking over your body. When that happens. It's extremely effective and efficient. Especially for phobias, or single event traumas, you can feel relief pretty immediately. For those of us all of us who have layered experiences, we're so layered, we're so layered, it takes more time. But it's like taking one layer off at a time, right, and you just get deeper and deeper into this and you feel more and more anchored and grounded. And it's extremely, extremely powerful intervention. I combine that with containment and resolution therapy, which is kind of an offset from that similar to somatic experiencing, if any of you have heard of that by Peter Levine. But in EMDR, they're very specific about using a targeted memory. And if they struggled to use any memory that you have disassociation around with containment and resolution, we can actually go through the body, not necessarily the memory itself, to clear out the trigger. And so that is what makes me a little different as I combine those two together, which creates a little bit more comprehensive approach. I'm also getting certified in somatic release breathwork, which I use on my retreats I use in my in person sessions, and I'm hoping to also eventually use in my online sessions, because I find that to be extremely powerful, and something you can learn and do on your own and can utilize throughout the rest of your life. So I want everyone to have that information for sure.
Holly Shannon 7:38
I love this on so many levels. I was introduced to EMDR by Coco on and having done some research myself and understanding it was used in the military for PTSD. So for anybody listening, it's not like we're just getting all woowoo on you. This is actual scientific modalities, and there's proof
Coco Nelson 8:00
in the pudding. Yes. empirically based studies,
Holly Shannon 8:04
thank you, she said, it's so much better. So what I'd like to do next, actually, now that we have a sense of cocoa and what she can do, I want to dig in to the connection side of the world. Because that's kind of what my show is about. And one of the things that I often talk about is that we have this innate need for connection and, and very often we'll use like the coffee meetup as an excuse to get together and help a friend out. Or, you know, people will use it for business, you know, like the coffee networking event, that type of thing. At the end of the day, we are all seeking connection. And I would love for you to help us explain on a you know, more of a level of, you know, almost tribal, like, out internally, we this is real that is also scientific our need for it and creating it, whether it's through tribes or the the Mommy and Me group or your church, or book club, that type of thing. So maybe you can share with us what's happening to us internally and why we seek that. And then I'd also like to understand the important importance of that as we head into post pandemic and looking for quality connection. And I have other questions, and I know that's a loaded one, but I think you probably see the, you know, the both sides of that. So I'm gonna let you fly, go Coco,
Coco Nelson 9:44
yes. Okay, so the need for connection. So I'm going to, I'm going to deepen it and I'm going to use a word belonging, right and Brene Brown is so good about distinguishing between the difference between fitting in and belonging, right fitting in is us wanting to adapt our self expression to fit within the confines of a group A Tribe, community, belonging is being seen in our true expression of self and being loved within it, right. So we seek belonging, you do not seek to fit in, we seek belonging. If we can't get belonging, we will seek to fit in because we need connection. Right. So, this is this goes back to us being primates, right, as primates we cannot survive on our own, we, if we're isolated, we will die. That is that is basically not only, like, historical fact. But in reality, if you isolate a human being they more often than not, will not be very healthy and could perish, especially as babies. So this is so biological, it's the most basic need, it's the thing we come into the world wanting from the moment we take our first breath, and it never goes away. And what happens is, I think we get confused sometimes. So I'm gonna talk about the two different parts of our brain. There's many parts of our brain, but I'm just gonna talk about two. So we've got our frontal cortex, our higher consciousness, the part of our thinking brain, if you will, then you have your hind brain, which is your reptilian brain, or your more survival, kind of nervous system space, that part of your brain is primed for survival, it doesn't really care about your thoughts as much, it's like, Nope, we're gonna, we're gonna survive this no matter what. And this is where connection is kind is born from, right, we desire connection from this place, because it's best for our survival. But our frontal cortex has a lot to say about that when people hurt us violate our boundaries, don't show up the way we want them to show up. And so this is this is where connection is so powerful, but it also can create some inner conflict for us. Right. So there's a lot of those pieces. And then I would say, also, on top of that, let's see. So the post pandemic question. So what is really interesting about what happened in the pandemic, is that our fear, and our understanding of wanting to stay safe and healthy and be respectful of other people, put us at odds with a very basic and an extremely powerful human need to connect. So it's almost as if our desire for connection became a threat to our survival. And then we had major inner conflict. That's so
Holly Shannon 12:32
well said already. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And yes.
Coco Nelson 12:37
And we saw that conflict on the outside as well, like all of us freaked out at each other. But also, it's just we to tell me, okay, I'll give you a story. Just a quick one. I had a good friend at the very beginning of the pandemic, who was nursing her baby and had two other young children. And she got COVID from her mother, and her kids did not have it. And her pediatrician told her to stop nursing her baby, and to isolate herself
Holly Shannon 13:06
for two weeks. Oh, my God.
Coco Nelson 13:09
Yeah, goes against literally every instinct you could possibly imagine, as a mother, literally, every instinct Now obviously, that advice, unfortunately, was bad advice. As they discovered more, about COVID The baby probably would have been fine, given, you know, the health and the age and the things that were happening. But she didn't, you know, she's gonna follow the advice. And the doctor did the best they could, given the information they had at the time, right? Like, it's not like, get any ill will towards her. He was just trying to make sure her baby was safe, understandably so. But it was so brutal, that experience, that that experience of longing for connection, but knowing that connection could harm the people you love the most. Like, you want to talk about trauma. Right, that well,
Holly Shannon 13:59
and also because like you were saying, you know, children will not survive without connection and you know, the village type of thing. So without having the mother to bond and nurse. I mean, there's a lot of women who can't nurse and they try and even that is traumatic because they feel like they've failed, right?
Coco Nelson 14:19
Mm hmm. Yeah, it's it's there's so much that goes into bonding with your children and wanting to physically be around them and touch them on a regular basis. Now, she isolated within the home so her their little fingers could go under the door. Cute. Yes. And, but you can also hear them and hear her husband losing his mind. I was kind of like, this is awful. And I'm so sorry. You're going through this and so interesting. Like, I wonder how he's doing Can you check the cameras? So all in all, like that experience was extremely traumatic for her extremely traumatic for the kids. You and it is a very specific example of a bigger experience we all had, we couldn't be around the people we love the most. Because if we went to our parents or our elder, elderly, parents are sick or dying, our young babies, and we were sick, or we had been exposed, we could kill them. And we're gonna see the effects of this for a very long time, because it is so inherent to our human existence to want to connect and belong. And we also don't want to harm the people that we love. So this inner conflict is going to create a lot of issues, but also a need for healing on a human level over the next like, three to five years.
Holly Shannon 15:39
That's really amazing. And to understand sort of the primal side of that. And how, even in today's world with a pandemic, it's the same thing. I you had talked about fitting in versus belonging. And, you know, that was kind of my second question. But I think what I'd like to do is jump to another idea, another conversation and, and I think it's very relatable, and it'll probably bring us back into the conversation about fitting in and belonging. So I wanted to talk about why we shouldn't be keeping up with the Kardashians. And that, in trying to fit in now that I know more definitively about the explanation between fitting in and belonging, and that trying to fit in, to be a part of a community of people, because we want connection. And we want that life, because everybody says to surround yourself with the people you want to, you know, be like and grow with and so forth. Why that is so toxic. Because it's not really connection. It's almost like connection and Emperor's clothes, or whatever the old tale was. So I'd love to dive into that a little bit. And I know it's a little disparate some of the conversations we're having, but I feel like connection shows its face, or you know, in a few different ways. So I'd like to tap into that a little bit. So why not keep up with the Kardashians?
Coco Nelson 17:30
Because the Kardashians can't keep up with the Kardashians? Let's just let's be clear, none of them actually do what they're showing on social media. They let's drop
Holly Shannon 17:39
that mic now.
Coco Nelson 17:42
Yeah, it's all altered. It's not real, none of its real. And they've admitted that multiple times, right? Like, the way that they look, the way that they pose the life that they live, the things that they put out there. It's all carefully curated by producers and, and by multi team of people, right, and graphic artists, and you hang out with them for you know, a couple of weeks, you're gonna see what life is really like. And it's very busy. And it's very chaotic. And there's a lot of mental illness that happens because they are growing up in an environment where they literally have no privacy, and they're evaluated based on everything they do. It'd be, it's a really terrible and hard way to live, talk to any famous person, right? It's really difficult to be famous, actually. Their life is not their own. So that just in general, like who they actually are, none of us, none of us want to be in all reality. But what we're craving is power. Right? We're craving power and influence. On top of belonging, we also want to have self expression and self expression is a form of power. So there's, there's a component of this where we all want to be seen, we want to have influence, we want to, you know, allow for, I think, this feeling of meaning and purpose in what we do and what we say and how we are regarded in our communities. And so when you see somebody with money, with prestige, with material possessions, but also, you know, with a platform, we crave, that type of influence and that type of power, to a degree, to a degree, not everybody craves that level of it, but we crave that level of access to the things that we desire and resources that we want. So oftentimes, like with many leaders, like with many people, and throughout all of history, people emulate role model themselves off of and try and copy those that are in power, because that is what we internally desire. It is only when you do your own inner work that you recognize what true power is, and ultimately the people who do influence are not always there. ones who are the loudest are the ones that have the biggest mic. Sometimes they're the ones behind the scenes whispering in that ear. Right? So it's this discovery, I think of our youth understanding what real power is, once they understand what real power is, then social media loses its pull. And I think what we haven't attuned for, and I'm just gonna get a little neural, neurobiological with you here is the effect of comparison on our brain. So we again, when we're looking at our primate status, we're looking at our brain's ability to survive, it's constantly comparing in order to make better decision making. And that's our reptilian brain, right? It's not our frontal cortex, we're not comparing because we are jealous, and we want those sexy pants the Kardashians have, you know, we are comparing because that is a natural, primal thing for us to do in order to survive. And so what you expose your brain to, will activate comparison whether you like it or not, because it's a hindbrain, subconscious experience, you can't control it. So we our frontal cortex has to filter what we're constantly seeing. So we're not always comparing. We are not we, since we have been exposed to social media and the global reach of the internet. Our frontal cortex hasn't necessarily upgraded its defense systems in understanding that the more that we look at people who have more, who have more power, have more money, have more love, have more of the things that we desire, the more we're going to compare. And the more we're going to feel awful about ourselves, the more that we look at experiences of people who have less, the more we're gonna feel better about our situation. And the more we're gonna feel guilty about our situation. So really, what you want to expose yourself to is people that are just below or just above you. And this is actually motivational. This is inspirational. This is the stuff that gets us excited about life. And so filtering your social media, taking breaks from this watching what you're looking at on the computer or the TV, it actually has a real real neurobiological effect on your ability to grow. Because if you think it's too impossible for you to get here, you get stagnant and give up. If you feel like you're so far above everybody else, and that you should just be grateful, you're gonna get stagnant and stop. So you have to be very careful about who you want to connect with who you want to compare yourself with. Because it's a natural subconscious thing that you can't control. Everyone's like stop comparing can't do it never will stop its natural part of your brain. So you might as well work with it rather than against it.
Holly Shannon 22:50
Hey, coffee lovers, I have two quick announcements. I am opening a YouTube channel at Holly Shannon. And I'm going to have all of coffee culture on there. So you can capture the little shorts for five minutes here and there. Or you can capture the full length interviews. Also, my book zero to podcast is on Amazon, and it's on my website. And it is the How To Guide to start your podcast really fast and get your voice and ideas on iTunes and Spotify like I did, makes a great holiday gift for you. Perhaps a graduation present. Or maybe it's your New Year's resolution. Both links are in the show notes. And now back to our show coffee culture. I love this because, you know, we are made to feel guilty. And for comparing like you're envious, you're jealous. You're comparing and envy and jealousy are ugly traits. And people don't want to consider themselves ugly. So they don't admit that they're comparing Right. Um, what I find interesting in your analogy is, you know, finding that subset on the internet that is just above or just below to keep you motivated and not to keep you in a constant state of comparison. I'm going to be honest, that's all fine and nice. But when you start doing scrolling, you lose your autonomy and your agency around that. And the comparing in your hindbrain gets good and you know pissed off and sad and you lose your sense of empathy. You're right right back down the jealousy train kind of thing. I feel as though that's where fitting in, takes a front seat in the frontal cortex and is hard for people to step away from even people Well who know, in the moment that they're trying to fit in now, I gotta have that Birkin bag. I don't have $10,000. But tam that, you know, look makes her look so powerful. And it's in her posts. And, you know, I really, I love the way she looks. And you know, they go on tick tock, and before they know what they're painting on all kinds of contour makeup to try and appear a certain way, like, fitting in is a hard nut to crack. And I feel as though even the most intelligent people that that I know, you know, we all know get caught up and trying to fit in.
Coco Nelson 25:42
I mean, even I do, and I know the neurobiology behind it. It's so subconscious, and it's so rooted in our culture. And it's so rooted in our emotional experience. And I find it happens more often in business for myself, because I desire a life of ease and peace and wealth and influence, I do full disclosure, I want all of that as well as meaning and purpose. And when I see people that have it that are younger than me, or that maybe don't have the credentials I do, I get angry and frustrated. And so you have to recognize that behavior pretty quickly. And then instead of diving down that rabbit hole and buying the Birkin bag, that's when you turn it all off and turn it inward. And be like, okay, is this comparison worthwhile? Is there something that I'm not doing that they're doing? You know, is it? Are they working a little harder? Are they leaning into something I should lean into? Can I learn something from this comparison? Can I get curious about it? Or is this just me comparing myself to somebody who has a very different life and a different set of skills and gifts and luck? And how can I route back into my life. So it's fitting in is much more common in our youth, because we don't know who we are. When we're older, and we do know who we are. Most of us have trauma around that. And we don't want to be who we are, because we've been told that who we are is wrong and unlovable and unworthy. So it's like this horrible cycle of trying to figure out where we need to stop this process. And I'll tell you right now, for each and every single one of us, it's doing the work immediately, right now in this moment, because the more that we all do this work, to finally accept who we are belonging to ourselves, and then step into true belonging with others, the easier we make it for the generations that are coming up, my daughter gets to witness me work through comparison in a way that's healthy, she gets to witness me come back to myself, so that when it happens for her because it will, she has a path to now do that for herself. If she doesn't witness me doing it, she doesn't actually experience it in real life, she has to figure that all out on her own. So a lot of This Is Us role modeling what it looks like to step from fitting in into blogging so that our children don't have to.
Holly Shannon 28:14
Well, I think it's amazing that you are creating this environment for your daughter for the next generation. And others should emulate this and put it into practice. I know in your podcast, you talk about some of these things. But I'd like to also, you know, we're we're, I should say I'm guilty of this, I'm not going to speak on behalf of you know, my coffee culture, family, but I'm in throughout the years I've been in different communities, right, you had, you know, the people that maybe you grew up with, on your street playing kick the can or, you know, whatever and you have and kick the can I was I was always like, either in jail, by the way or it because I was the smallest but you know, hey, no trauma there. And, you know, you go through school, maybe in high school where you know, everybody in middle school in high school is trying to fit in find themselves. We don't know who we are at that point. And then maybe even in college, you might still not have gotten to that point. So what I'm leading up to, is in our trails, from from our lives of trying to fit in versus belong, we might have acquired a few toxic friendships. Just a few. And I know that we have talked about that in our little communities that we have created and I'm sharing it here because I think that um I personally have wrestled with people that I've pulled along in my life, you know, they're sort of tethered to me and I take them into every new stage of growth, I'm going and I'm evolving, and I'm pulling along some of these, you know, toxic people that are inhibiting my growth, or making me feel poorly for evolving. So how, how do we move that into a place for ourselves to grow? Like how, like you're emulating for your daughter? That's beautiful, but how to some of us, you know, millennial Gen X Boomer, you know, whoever's listening to this, how do we get rid of that? Sorry, that was like the world's longest question, because I kind of had to tell you like the journey. But anyway,
Coco Nelson 30:50
I love it, I love it. Give me lots of context, it's good. I, first, you have to recognize that it's toxic. Right, you have to, you have to actually have self awareness around that if you don't have self awareness, and you're convinced that there's something you're doing, or you're just never good enough for this friend, or you know, it, you have to recognize that the relationships itself is toxic, right. And so that's important. And then once you recognize that, then the next step is to actually get support from people who are not toxic, who can see the real you who can understand, you know, what you are worthy of, because you're gonna need those reminders along the way quite a bit. If this is someone you've had in your life for decades, or longer, or if it's a family member, right, if it's somebody who you are extremely bonded to, the ability to set boundaries with this person is going to be quite challenging. And so you want support, you want awareness, and you want to support your nervous system along the way, this is where those body based practices that I use, and try to teach people is a really important because you're going to set a boundary or say something or, or do something that you wouldn't normally do, and your body is going to freak out. And this is where you have to know how to help your body through that process, rather than it feels like slow torture, or have you go back to the situation, toxic relationships themselves are quite addictive. In our brain, they they operate on an addictive cycle. So to abusive relationships. It's that hit, right. It's like, if you think about the abusive cycle, you get that dopamine hit of, they love me, they think I'm great, everything's good. Then you have that tension building phase where things are just uncomfortable and not okay, maybe there's some comments that are made, you're like, Who is this person, they didn't actually change. And then you have the moment where they they harm you, they do something they let you down. In an abusive cycle, they abuse you. And then for a moment, there's a little bit of a break or a pause. Right. And in that breaker pause is when our nervous system freaks out. This is where our nervous system says I've got to fix this, I don't want to be in conflict with this person. I don't like this, it feels really gross and yucky, I've got to make this better, I got to make this better, I got to make this better. So see the addictive nature. So you want that dopamine hit of Okay, we're good. It can be as simple as you over apologizing for their poor behavior, just so you can get the dopamine hit of we're no longer in comp conflict anymore. And so to get out of that cycle, you have to I typically see you want to get out of it during the tension building phase, you don't necessarily want to get out of it after the big blowout, because that's extremely difficult. And the likelihood of people going back is really high, especially in abusive relationships. But it is about riding the wave and teaching your nervous system that setting a boundary or being in quote unquote conflict with this person is so much better than being in a relationship with them. And it's hard, it is extremely hard to do. And that's why you need all the resources, don't do it alone, please don't do it alone. And make sure that you have all the tools in your tool bag to do it. Because toxic friendships are just as hard to leave as toxic, intimate relationships. They're very similar. Your lives might not be as integrated, but you're still very much bonded to this person. Then if you want to up the ante even more so a toxic family member, oh, man. That's also extremely challenging. So I don't like to say, it's not a lighthearted matter, it's a very difficult thing to do. And I think we beat ourselves up because we don't understand why we can't just let go of this friend. But it's like it's it's inherent to our biological nature, that once we're bonded to somebody, we don't leave them. Because again, we all operated back in the day, back in the day 1000s of years ago in tribes. You couldn't just like set a boundary with Susan next to you because she pissed you off. Susan was the reason that you survived because she stopped that saber toothed Tiger from killing you right like you can't, you can't kick Susan out of the tribe. So there's this primal element of needing to be friends with accommodate, adapt, and get along with people who are really toxic, because that was inherent for our survival long, long, long ago. But it's no longer that way. And we have to, again, help our nervous system update to the present moment.
Holly Shannon 35:22
So it's definitely hindbrain. Yeah, the activity, Okay, interesting stuff,
Coco Nelson 35:27
what we do is, let's be clear, like you all think that you are in control of your life, you are not. It's, every once in a while we make a decision every once in a while, but most of the time now it's just our hind white crocodiles
Holly Shannon 35:41
going through through life, right? That reptile brain, you know, we're just like,
Coco Nelson 35:47
yes, yes. It's just like, what is happening? I mean, we all laugh about it. But I really want you to look at your day and think about how many things you actually do that are much more subconscious. It's like 90% of what we do.
Holly Shannon 35:59
Very, very cool. Wow, we touched on a lot of interesting things here. Is there something that I'm not asking you about fitting in and belonging that you want to share?
Coco Nelson 36:16
I think the final piece I would love to share is, you know, oftentimes, when we learn this information, there's a sense of shame that comes over us because we're like, I should know better. I know this information, or Oh, wow, like, Holly and Coco are telling me all this aha. And then it's like shame. Right? So please understand that shame shuts you down. Shame is I'm not a good person, I'm not worthy of love, you know, I should know better. And don't shame yourself for shaming yourself, right? We just, we just keep going down that cycle, take this information, breathe, and recognize that it's just a learning process that we're all trying to move through, we exist at a very interesting time for humanity, in which we are all trying to adapt to the present reality. And the odds are stacked against you. We're all doing this together. So don't let shame in the door. And just take the information and take it one step at a time. And start to just have that self awareness that's going to help you look at this from a different perspective. So that maybe you can start moving towards people that make you feel like you belong, rather than make you feel like you fit in. Wow,
Holly Shannon 37:35
Coco, I know that you have a lot of tools in your box. And all of those things will definitely be in the show notes. But is there a particular workshop that maybe dials into some of what we just talked about that you would like to share with everybody. And I could also put that in the show notes, but one that you think is more indicative of this conversation we've had?
Coco Nelson 37:58
Oh, absolutely. So you're going to hear me talk about this a lot on any of my platforms. So you won't be surprised that I say this. But I have a self led course called Becoming a boundary badass. And it is an amazing course. It's six videos. So it's it's robust in the sense that those six videos, each of them are a tool, right. And it's a specific tool related to how to hold, maintain and set boundaries. But on top of that, there's this beautiful workbook that I spent a lot of time and energy putting together during the pandemic. And it's like 35 pages long, but it walks you through truly, what the difference is between vlogging and fitting in, and how to go about and understand boundary work. And to get to the other side of this. So it is one of my favorite courses that I made. I typically do master classes on it as well, I usually do group programs around it. But I would start there. And if you love what you see come into my world. And I'm sure there'll be many things that you can join. And you will hear about boundaries quite a bit, which is in essence, I think, where we start with the difference between fitting in and belonging.
Holly Shannon 39:13
My god, thank you. That's just amazing, amazing, amazing. I'm happy to share that with everybody. And I just want to put out there in the universe, because I know what you're aspiring to do. Coco and I've been working with you stamp of approval everybody if you if if you need to know somebody who's working with cocoa, but I want to call it here that one day you are going to be on Oprah stage because I think you are a very powerful human being and you do the work on yourself as well as with others. And I think that's part of why you became the evolved therapist. So I want to thank you for coming on my show.
Coco Nelson 39:59
Thank You can we invite Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert and Glennon Doyle on that stage with Oprah as well.
Holly Shannon 40:07
I would be happy to do that. And actually, I think you should be doing some of the Instagram lives with them very often I see them talking with people, I love all of them. I would for different reasons. Elizabeth Gilbert, for example, she she wrote the book, Big Magic. And I would say it's probably my, my most favorite book by her. And I've read all of her novels, by the way. But being an artist and a creative, you know, I think you know, that probably people have heard in some of my past stuff. Yeah, I was a jewelry designer for, you know, 1015 years. So understanding how creativity comes to you, and how powerful it is and how powerful it is if you ignore it, because it goes to somebody else. That's magic. So I love her for that reason, I'm not sure what about Elizabeth Gilbert resonates with you feel free to share.
Coco Nelson 41:19
She came I read Eat Pray Love and a time in my life where I needed that book more than anything in the world. And I love how incredibly honest and raw she is with herself and with the world, about her struggles with self expression of belonging, and how she has done the work like truly someone who does and continues to do the work. She's a trailblazer, and role model and that sense, and I just absolutely love her as a human. If I did an Instagram Live with any of those women, I would literally my my life would be complete. I could die the next day like I there are incredible incredible leaders in our field. There's there's more than just them, but I just I love what they've done in the self help world, but more so than anything else, just the inspirational space. They have they have led the path for many, many, many women to reclaim parts of themselves that they have lost. So I it's such an honor to even just speak about them to be honest. So Well, it's interesting because
Holly Shannon 42:23
because you had named your podcast, let the rest burn after a quote from Glennon Doyle. Is that correct?
Coco Nelson 42:32
Correct? Yes. From her book untamed?
Holly Shannon 42:35
And what is the meaning behind that?
Coco Nelson 42:38
Like, can't quote the quote by heart. Do you think I could, but it's okay.
Holly Shannon 42:41
But you could paraphrase while you're playing. Yeah, respire.
Coco Nelson 42:45
So it's about really becoming your full self and kind of detoxing yourself from all the world's expectations, and stepping into your true, uninhibited, fully expressed self and letting the rest burn. And it was my story about doing that and what I had to burn to get to that space, which really was my divorce, but more so than anything else. It was, it was reclaiming this girl who was loud and proud and very spirited, and at times too much. And I had to kind of reclaim her in this process and burn all of the BS that I was told or experienced in my life, and in really knowing that I wanted to help other women and men do the same for themselves as well. So yes, it's all of the above. I love I love that book. It's it is definitely helped a lot of people get divorced.
Holly Shannon 43:47
Oh my god. Ouch. So everybody, I'm going to encourage you to to give a listen to Collins work, or Coco is she she?
Coco Nelson 43:58
Both? Yeah, well, Pauline colleagues, my given name and yeah, that was my stage name. They're all the same. My Best Friends call me Coco too. Yeah.
Holly Shannon 44:08
So she gets very raw and very vulnerable and shares a lot of her stories around her divorce. And so you'll be able to learn with her. And I think that's what makes you so accessible and so genuine. And I thank you so much for coming on coffee culture.
Coco Nelson 44:26
Thank you for having me on. It was an absolute pleasure.
Holly Shannon 44:31
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